"RIP Renee"
- Not My Image - reworked screen grab -
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I was gifted MemoryGram for Christmas. It's a online thingy where you write down memories of your life for your survivors to savor after you're been reduced to ash. The MemoryGram people start you out with a helpful starter question, in my case the ironic "What makes for a successful life?" The irony comes from the fact that I've been thinking back on my life and have been feeling so much regret for how I spent my time. First - my choice of employment - Hi-Tech - a joint I was completely unsuited to.. AND Tech has turned out to be an existential threat to the species, both in terms of dangerous unregulated software and the spreading surveillance / subjugation of the Empire's citizenry. I used to be so critical of people who worked for Big Tobacco. Big Tobacco has nothing on Big Tech.. Nothing.. And then there is the complete waste of time pursuing a Christian path, spending hours and hours making thousands of rosaries, going to church, reading Christian books. This is as bad as working in Tech. Christianity is the source of so much ignorance and cruelty. They've essentially taken over the Empire now and are doing what they have done throughout the ages - block progress - step on women - step on gay people - undermine democratic principles and strive to make everyone just like them. What a horrifying mistake I made. I aided and abetted the cruelty that has now blossomed in the country. Deep regrets like these are not for MemoryGram books though. I'm pretty sure what is wanted is some sunnier version of events.
The other bit of irony is this: I've been writing about my life and what I think about things for twenty years.. Thousands and thousands of posts and had hardly any interest from those who will live long after I'm (finally) gone. Perhaps they shy away for the unvarnished/raw prose. Who knows? Life is funny that way.. ~ |
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As predicted - the stomach virus that was brought home by a member of our pack made its way to my digestive system. This meant 36 hours of nausea, headache, and dizziness. Yum. I'm better now. I ate a regular breakfast this morning. This is only the beginning. I foresee that the coming year (or however long we are together with our transitioning pack) will be my sickest in recent memory.. DoubleYum. You're not gonna believe this - but the thing that got me through the seemingly-endless hours of nausea was chanting the "Om Mani Padme Hum" mantra. ~ |
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And so it begins... a long winter of disease in my cozy little plague house.. Son-In-Law contracted the flu. Daughter and Wife have (probably) contracted it as well. All of the sick adults have had the flu shot as have I. Forgive me when I predict that it's only a matter of time before it makes its way to me and the children. Yay. ~ |
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Yesterday was the first long-ish walk after nearly splitting my head open in Ravenswood Park. I wanted to test out my good, un-operated-on hip to see if it could take the exertion. It's been painful since the Ravenswood jaunt - enough so that I got imaging done on it to see what's what.. The "good" hip did ok mostly although the walk was not pain-free.. I can't tell (yet) whether the pain is soft-tissue based or if it's the joint itself. The x-ray showed a good news / bad news view of the hips. On the good news side of the ledger, the hip with the titanium joint showed only mild deterioration despite being 14 years old. The bad news is the "good" hip - the un-operated-on hip - showed severe deterioration and significant narrowing in the spaces between the hip bone and the head of the femur. So - I contacted my PCP and asked for an ortho cutter recommendation. This time around I want a minimally invasive, anterior approach to what amounts to carpentry on this broken-down body.. The anterior approach yields less trauma to the surrounding soft tissue as well as unrestricted movement post-surgery.. A minimally invasive approach should yield a lower risk of infection.. The first hip replacement I had done in 2010/2011 resulted in a galloping deep infection in the joint which necessitated a redo operation and then a year of antibiotics (seven weeks of which was at-home IV antibiotics..). Besides dying of infection - my other concern is the cost of the procedure.. I seem to recall that the first one cost me ~ $7000.00 out of pocket.. That was 14 years ago though.. when my then-shitty medical benefits from JBAC were way better than the now-shitty Medicare benefits.. I'm sure it will be several hundred percent more expensive this time around. |
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“As soon as you say the topic is civil disobedience, you are saying our problem is civil disobedience. That is not our problem…. Our problem is civil obedience. Our problem is the numbers of people all over the world who have obeyed the dictates of the leaders of their government and have gone to war, and millions have been killed because of this obedience. And our problem is that scene in All Quiet on the Western Front where the schoolboys march off dutifully in a line to war. Our problem is that people are obedient all over the world, in the face of poverty and starvation and stupidity, and war and cruelty. Our problem is that people are obedient while the jails are full of petty thieves, and all the while the grand thieves are running the country. That’s our problem.” ~ Howard Zinn ~ |
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Yesterday I did the longish, arduous, stone-filled, perimeter hike around Ravenswood Park in Gloucester. On the return leg of the hike, I was going down a pretty steep grade and I stepped out onto what I thought was exposed dry bedrock. It wasn't dry. It was slippery as fuck. I felt myself slipping and in an instant, my left leg shot out to try for counterbalance while my right hand (holding walking stick) swung in the opposite direction to plant walking stick behind me. It worked. I didn't fall. It was close though.. And it could have been bad - really bad. But - once again, the now 53 year-old walking stick saved me from cracking my skull open while alone in the woods. On that same hike he also helped with walking through clutching and grabbing underbrush as well as with helping me traverse boulders and stones in a particularly wet and boggy area.. Thanks Walking Stick.. |
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As it must, my deafness has progressed now to the point where, without my expensive, annoying, tinny, hearing aids, I exist in a sonic soup of vowels. Without hearing aids (and many times even WITH them..) I strain to hear and understand what is said to me. It's fucking exhausting. Music doesn't sound the same, which kills me. I've lost the high end, so unless the volume is turned way up, music sounds like it is being played through a mattress. Sound cancelling headphones help with this - but they're not perfect by any stretch. And of course - let's not forget my faithful friend, Tinnitus. A constant ~8000Hz whine plays in my head 24/7. Like the deafness, the Tinnitus is getting worse.. Stress seems to be able to make it even worse some days.. It's not all bad though - as much as my deafness is a terrible burden to those around me because they have to repeat themselves, it is often a source of amusement to them as well as I "creatively mis-hear" what is spoken to me.. ~ |
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"I fight pain, anxiety and fear every day, and the only method I've found that relieves my illness is to keep creating art." ~ Yayoi Kusama |
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Decades ago, when I had lots more money and tons more naiveté about my own "perfectability", I constructed a meditation room in my house. I bought the turned-wooden vase above for my altar. The vase is made out of maple (maybe?) with beautiful grain showing. I loved it at first sight and paid over $200.00 for it at an art faire (such embarrassing pretense) - an extravagance and completely "extra" to the pursuit of the Dharma. Nobody needs a gorgeous wood vase to investigate the great matter of life and death. In fact, gorgeous wood vases (and their ilk) may well serve as roadblocks to realization.. as they increase our attachment to the "Beautiful" and "Serene." My Dog, Tie, saw through my pretensions. He saw I was heading down the wrong road and tried to save me.. The first time I left him alone in the house after purchasing "my precious" Tie made his way into my "dharma hall" and attacked the vase. When I got home, I found the dried floral arrangement that I had carefully constructed in the vase strewn around the floor. And then - the horror.. I saw "my precious" laying on its side with claw marks all over it and pieces missing from the top because Tie spent some time chewing on it.. Well - Instead of being grateful, I flew into a rage and punished Tie. I don't remember exactly what I did, but I probably yelled at him and gave him a prolonged time-out in another room.. Therein lies the lesson he so selflessly gave me.. I was a fraud practitioner. I was hopelessly mired in attachment to "my precious" and even more - to my thoughts about being a "serious student of The Way." He was trying to free me. And - for his efforts? Punishment.. Deep bows of gratitude to my beautiful canine Zen Master. I am so sorry. |
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The greens and yellows of summer have transformed into the somber palette of late fall - burnt umbers, greys, dark golds, oranges, and lead-grey skies.. The air has a bite to it - presaging the skin-peeling temperatures of December, January and February. Some don't like it. The find it a drab sight - the bare trees and fallen leaves. They don't like the short days, the long cold nights, and the frigid mornings.. I relish it all. This is my season - the season of death and renewal. The Great Wheel in motion. ~ |
