Fat Update

 

 

"Skeleton"

Nikon D7200
Nikkor 10.0mm-24.0mm Lens
Snapseed

November 1st marked 21 months since I started the project of ridding this body of excess fat. It was also the date of my checkup with my PCP.  It has become a ritual of sorts. I arrive at the appointment wearing the lightest clothes I have, which in that instance was lightweight below-the-ankle socks, thin nylon running shorts and the thinnest microfiber t-shirt I had. My wife was somewhat appalled by my choice of clothing as the shorts, in addition to being thin, were, well, short. I countered her concern with my very real concern that I, as much as possible, only weigh my body at the doctor's visit and not my clothes.  I stepped onto the public shaming platform (they call it a scale) and slowly let go of the frame, gradually letting my full weight be accounted for on the display below.  168 lbs.  Down from 267 lbs.  In 21 months I had dropped 99 lbs.  No drugs. No surgery. Just months and months of running this busted up body at a calorie deficit - a humbling, humiliating, and exhausting experience.  All my bloodwork remained solidly in the normal range, cholesterol, kidney function, A1C, fasting glucose, liver function..  The Doc was happy. He told me I had lost enough weight. I told him that I was going to continue to eat at my current caloric intake and my body would decide when it had lost enough.  Sometimes I feel a strong connection to anorexic girls, identifying with their ability to know exactly how many calories was in each thing they ate. I share their terror about regaining weight. I appraise my body critically each day by weighing myself and noting areas of fat that still exist on my frame. (I didn't tell him this bit..) He asked how I was doing. I told him my contemporaries were dropping like flies around me. Three men who I meditated with back in the 90's all got tickets off this rock within 6 months of each other. Another friend got a cancer diagnosis. A relative struggles with cognitive decline. This was mostly glossed over.  I told him that now that my weight loss has mostly stopped, "the journey" had transitioned into the grinding phase.. The day to day grind to simply maintain was more challenging than the weight loss phase.. I  told him that I felt hunger much more acutely.. I told him that not using food as an emotional sop left me dealing with strong emotions unprotected. Anger, rage, sadness cascade over me leaving me emotionally raw. This might change over time, but I've also thought that this might be just who I am. A sobering thought - for me and for those around me. This was mostly glossed over with a couple of platitudes from the Doc.    He listened to my heart and lungs and pronounced them sounding  "beautiful."   My blood pressure was so low that I've been taken off all blood pressure medicine.    The only dark spot during the appointment came when he told me he wanted me to have an MRI of my heart. Apparently two years ago "moderate blockages" on my heart showed up on an MRI that was done to look at benign nodules in my lungs. Treatment for blockages could range from taking a statin, to perhaps getting stents put in, to even more invasive interventions.. Although distressing, this is not by any means shocking. I mean - come on - decades of abusive eating as a way to numb the pain of day to day life had to have some downstream effect.. karma is inevitable is it not?   I'll have to wait until January for the MRI to see how fucked my coronary arteries are..      ~